Defusing Conversational Conflict

During the holiday season, family time and potentially heated conversations due to generational beliefs, different personality types and sibling rivalries, etc., abound.  While having disagreements face-to-face is unpleasant for most individuals, it can be intimidating and/or overwhelming for those with mental health conditions.  There are a number of actions that can reduce conversational conflict.

Rather than personalizing disagreements, talk about the ideas involved.  Try to understand the other person’s position even if you do not agree with it.  Observe the conflict without making judgments or generalizations, especially by using words like always, every and never.  It is important to identify the feelings involved without attaching blame.  That will help to humanize people you view as being difficult.

Have a discussion rather than a debate; and expect, rather than demand, a positive resolution.  You need to respect the individual with whom you are talking.  However, you do not have to pretend to agree with or support the ideas he or she expresses.  Create a buffer by avoiding eye contact and looking at the spot between the person’s eyebrows or mouth and nose.  This will make you look engaged even if you are not.

Control your emotions and do not dwell on your differences.  Be aware of your tone and the volume of your voice.  Try adopting an “acceptance mindset,” which focuses on what is factual, realistic and true, rather than how you wish things could be.  If the conversation still does not go well, switch to generic topics like entertainment, food, New Year’s resolutions, sports or travel.

Stay calm.  Addressing conflict when you are mad or frustrated likely will be ineffective.  As American author Ambrose Bierce wrote, “Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.”  It is possible to effectively manage conflict, even if you only take simple actions like instituting a “No talking politics” rule or replying, “I respectfully disagree” and changing the topic of conversation.