Dealing With Grief

Mourning is a process and a journey toward healing. For children, it is directly impacted by the empathy and support provided by their families and social systems; cultural influences; previous exposure to crisis, death and loss; and their own mental health. Anxiety, confusion and sadness are the most common grief experiences among youth and adults, along with anger, loneliness and shock.

Initially, an individual may be unwilling to discuss the loss. Concerning responses to grief by teens include having a fear of being alone, flashbacks, nightmares, problems with their peer relationships and/or a repeated wish to join the deceased. Having depression or another mental health condition increases the likelihood that youth will have grief reactions that require professional intervention. When they see classmates affected by the passing of another student, adolescents can experience collective or vicarious grief, even if they did not personally know the person who died. (This can be a common occurrence if the deceased was popular and experienced a sudden or traumatic death and/or if there is extensive media coverage.)

If you are grieving, do not isolate yourself. Maintaining your daily routine, if possible, will provide predictability and stability. Talk about the loss. It will give other people permission to do so, too. Crying can offer relief and let others know you need to be comforted. Rather than relying only on spoken words, express your feelings through writing, art or play. Becoming involved with a cause or charity that was important to the individual you lost can allow you to maintain your connection with him or her. Creating a “Support System Superlatives” list can be reassuring by identifying whom you can call upon when needed.

Consider attending a support group, which can help to normalize your grief. Guilt is a common reaction to loss. You may wonder if you could have done more to prevent your loved one’s death or have regret about things that did or did not happen in your relationship. Say goodbye with letters and drawings or by planting a tree, etc. Give yourself permission to feel positive emotions and to laugh. If you have a prior history of depression and do not see a therapist regularly, you may want to make an appointment with your physician or a mental health professional so he or she gauge how you are managing your grief.

Parents should take advantage of school and community resources, such as counseling, if their grieving children do not seem to be coping well. Give youth permission to cry and mourn and be sure to validate their loss. Tell the truth rather than relying on euphemisms, such as “passed away,” and reassure them that you are there to help. Offer physical comfort through hugs.

With regard to friends and loved ones, do not make assumptions about how a death is affecting them. Instead, let them speak and ask questions. Listen with all of your senses. Do not give advice or state, “I know how you feel,” however. Rather than saying “Call me if you need anything.”, offer to handle specific tasks like going to the grocery store, walking his or her dog, mowing the lawn or driving children to one of their activities. Leave grieving individuals care packages and remember significant dates. Set a calendar reminder for anniversaries and birthdays and send a text or an E-Mail. (The individuals who are in mourning should make plans for those days and try not to spend them alone.) Remember, you do not need to be perfect, you just have to be present.

Emotions related to grief can surface years later. Certain places and holidays or times of the year can remind people of their losses. Eventually, most bereaved individuals begin to re-experience hope and many find confidence in new skills they have gained by doing tasks previously performed by their loved ones who died. Life will forever be changed, however, in time it is possible to learn to accept your new normal and the pain of mourning will ease.