Forgiveness
According to Dr. Frederic Luskin, Director of the Stanford Forgiveness Projects, “Forgiveness changes the present, not the past.” It is “a choice you make to heal yourself.” Indignation and resentment, often from obsessively thinking or talking about how things should have been different, can cause fatigue and emotional tunnel vision. Try abandoning the idea that you are right. Instead of dwelling on a grievance, try to be compassionate, kind and understanding.
Mary Hayes Grieco, from the Midwest Institute for Forgiveness Training, suggests multiple steps for ending emotional pain, beginning with (1) declaring your intention to start the process of forgiveness. You should then (2) express your emotional pain without fear or judgment, (3) release the expectations you have regarding the person or situation you want to forgive, and (4) restore or create boundaries with him/her/it, especially with regard to harmful actions or attitudes. It is now possible to (5) consider other ways to have your needs met. Be in the present and remember that you choose your thoughts.
American author Louise Hay noted that there is “a difference between forgiveness and acceptance. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean that you condone their behavior!” It “takes place in your own mind…[and] really has nothing to do with the other person.” Hay also focused on the need to set healthy boundaries, emphasizing that forgiveness does not “allow…the painful behaviors or actions of another to continue in your life.” It also can mean “letting go: You forgive that person and then you release them.”
Be patient with yourself. Sometimes a past hurt or wrong you believed was healed can resurface. If that occurs, examine it from where you are now to see how you have grown. When you cannot let go of your anger, take a deep breath, exhale and say “I forgive and am ready to move forward.” Try writing your own apology if the individual is unable to do so himself or herself and/or is no longer in your life. Putting the words you have longed to hear on paper can help you to forgive. You also can write a letter to the person detailing the ways he/she hurt you and how it made you feel and letting him/her know that you have decided to forgive him/her because you no longer wish to carry the pain he/she caused. Once you have finished, shred the paper, which can help you to express and release your emotions.
Forgiveness differs from justice and does not require reconciliation. Consider what happened, how you reacted and the ways in which anger and/or hurt have affected you since. Purchase a “forgiveness plant.” Every time you water it, imagine letting go of your negative emotions and finding peace. Forgiveness can benefit your mental health by reducing stress, depression and anxiety, while increasing hope and optimism. It is an active process where you consciously decide to release resentments whether the other person deserves it or not. By forgiving, you focus your energy on healing and creating a new future rather than on the individual(s) or action(s) that injured you.