Support for Siblings

Mental illness affects all members of a family. When one child is in crisis, the resulting stress can leave parents exhausted and other siblings feeling overlooked. Many brothers and sisters of individuals with mental health issues hide their own feelings and painful emotions, which can include anger, anxiety, confusion, embarrassment, fear, frustration, guilt, hopelessness and worry. When a child has a physical disease, like cancer, numerous support groups and therapeutic options exist for his or her siblings. There are far fewer resources for those whose loved one is battling mental illness, even though that occurs more frequently to families.

Supportive, protective siblings can become frustrated and resentful, and sometimes feel unsafe in the face of aggressive outbursts. Individuals who have a brother or sister with mental health issues can be at risk for depression and trauma themselves. They need a support system, which can include therapy appointments of their own and/or regular check-ins with a family member or other person in whom they feel feel comfortable confiding and with whom they can address their questions, issues and concerns. (Siblings often feel lonely or isolated if the stigma of mental illness keeps them from sharing their family’s situation with close friends, teachers or coaches, etc.) The Sibling Support Project is a national program that offers assistance to brothers and sisters of those with mental health concerns.

Having a sibling with mental health issues can restrict family activities. Parents should ensure that each child has sports, extracurriculars and other regular events outside of the family. They should talk openly about the situation and listen to their other children’s concerns; and set aside consistent, meaningful time for each sibling, even if it is a small amount. (Spending 10 uninterrupted minutes with every child before he or she goes to bed, reading, working on a 500 piece puzzle or talking about his or her day, etc., is one option.)

When explaining a diagnosis to other family members, parents do not need to use medical terms. However, they should let siblings know that the outbursts and sometimes embarrassing or upsetting behavior that can result from the condition is neither willful nor a choice. (Child friendly descriptions of anxiety, depression and other psychiatric conditions can be found in “Talking To Children About A Sibling’s Mental Illness – 8 Tips for Parents”.) Explain that their brother or sister has a real illness for which effective treatments exist.

Younger children can mimic negative behaviors if they do not understand why it is occurring. Reassure siblings that they are not responsible for their brother’s or sister’s illness and that it is not contagious. Discussing the individual’s strengths and weaknesses also can be helpful. Clarify any misconceptions that the siblings may have. Initially talking to them alone rather than as a group will allow them to speak freely and receive individual attention.

It is important to treat all family members the same. Parents, who feel guilty over the impact that their brother’s or sister’s mental health issue is having on siblings, can be overly permissive with their other children. If a sibling’s behavior alters dramatically, parents should check with school to see how things are going; ask teachers and guidance counselors to look for changing behaviors; talk openly with the child, who may feel guilty about expressing his or her own needs; and consult a mental health professional for additional screening and support, if necessary. (As adults, siblings can experience post-traumatic stress disorder and survivor’s guilt.)

Focusing on the present by making a sibling’s favorite food or simply watching a movie together as a family can be beneficial. Attention to each child’s needs and open communication will reduce the negative consequences of having a loved one with a mental condition. In addition, learning early in life that individuals have illnesses which can make it difficult for them to control their behavior and emotions often results in empathetic children, who become more compassionate, patient and resilient adults with a greater appreciation of life.